Monday, June 24, 2013

Leukemia - Maintenance Week 15 - Worry

We visited the doctor today and Jemma is doing great. Her blood is right where it's supposed to be, she's eating well and has tons of energy.

I wish I could say the same for myself. It's very strange. Things are going so well yet I feel paralyzed and it's really a horrible feeling. Although we have had low activity over the past few days I've been sleeping 10 hours per night and don't have energy to do much during the day.

I mentioned Jemma's breathing last week, and it is still bothering me a lot. When I sit close to her while reading I hear small sounds that send my mind back to last summer. Once my mind goes back a year, I have trouble returning to today. Worry and unhelpful thoughts keep turning over and over in my mind and I can't stop them from coming. I thought reading a bit on the internet would make me feel better, but it really makes me feel a lot worse. Ignorance is bliss. Some nights the thoughts keep me up and some days they keep me from being productive.

My logical brain knows this type of thought is not helpful to me or anyone else around me. So when I step back and think about it I know I need to change my behavior.

I watched this 10 minute video review of the book "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie and it did seem to help. Brian Johnson discusses several key points from the book that make a lot of sense and I'm really trying to follow them. - Don't stress about the past or the future, do what needs to be done today, accept what is in your life, think about what could be done, make a plan, take action, and take breaks.

Friday and Saturday were horrible days for me, but yesterday and today weren't too bad. I think it's a matter of time. I've spent a year in emergency mode and dealing with the unfamiliar. Now that things have calmed down I need to readjust again.

Last week the doctor told me that this transition time is typically a very difficult time for parents and I completely agree.

This post is linked to:
A Mama's Story
The Better Mom
Chicken Chicks
Miscellany Monday


  1. So glad to hear some good news for Gemma and hoping the anxiety will lessen for you. It's so hard not to worry about things like that or to let your guard down when things have been hard for so long. It is very normal and a credit to you as a nurturing mom. Recently someone told me to just take things one day at a time and focus on the immediate and I found that really helped me feel less overwhelmed and less worried about the challenges ahead. Sending warm thoughts your way.

    1. Thank you. One day at a time sounds like good advice. I'm really trying.

  2. I don't know if you remember me, my kids and I have been CG homeschoolers members since almost forever.. ;) My son Michael has had several serious health issues as does my husband. One thing I've noticed and had confirmed my a psychologist who used to see my son, is when faced with crisis we rise to the occasion and do what we have to do... We can have almost super human strength, clarity of thought, energy etc. It is only after the crisis has passed that it catches up with us... It is after the crisis that our bodies (and brains) finally feel the effects of having to keep everything (and everyone?) together during the crisis. I would give yourself permission to rest and recharge... I'm guessing the worry, especially now that she's doing so well, might also be just mental fatigue from the past year... possibly mixed with a little PTSD reaction from the huge shock and fear connected to her illness. At least that's how it's worked for me... Once the crisis is passed I seem to fall apart (and frequently catch some little virus!) and there are certain things connected to the crisis that trigger an almost unreasonable fear in me (that little bit of PTSD). (((((HUGS)))) to you, I've been following your story and keeping Jemma in my prayers, what an incredible journey this past year has been for you all!


    1. Yes I remember you and visiting your farm. I also remember thinking how difficult it must be for you. What you said sounds exactly like what is happening to me. I never thought I would have PTSD, but it really does sound like it. Thank you for your encouragement.

  3. I know exactly what you are talking about. It seems that through the difficult parts, one can be strong, but then when you have a moment to breathe, it all comes crashing down. {hugs} We are thinking and praying for you all every day.

  4. Oh julie i just experienced what you are feeling with my isa , for the first time for years we were due for medical visit to belgium from gambia , for years we did it together as a family , this year i had to do it on my own and i tell you not easy to travel with a 19 years old young lady who is taller than me , very hurt physically , doing it all by myself away from home , the cooking feeding , getting in and out of car , it was a week training for me to learn therapy techniques that can help her , i worked from 7 am till sometimes 10 pm non stop , everybody was against me going believing i cannot make it . I knew how important it is for my daughter so i set my mind into making it a successful trip and it was , i was full of energy running around , working all the time . i myself was amazed from my strength . Well as soon as i got my feel back home i just collapsed , total exhaustion , mentally and physically . i am sure if i needed to stay longer in belgium i could have done it , i felt like having the super human strength, clarity of thought, and energy Maura talked about . coming back home and knowing that my job was done i collapsed physically and emotionally, the worries about my hurt child , our family , her future , all hit back and made me feel so weak . I know i will feel better soon , and you too . thinking and praying for you xxx

    1. I'm glad everything went well with you and your daughter and hope you too recover soon. Thank you for sharing this experience with me. I'm sorry you're going though hard times but happy to know I'm not alone.


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